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Re: Coming together [Avalir!]

PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 11:10 am
by Tigress
She tilted her head as she watched him, confusion registering on her beautiful features. Why did he hide from her now? He had been so open before, this wasn't fair, this wasn't supposed to happen! These things weren't supposed to change! He said he would always be there for her just as he had before but now there were things he wouldn't say, couldn't say to her. What happened to before? Her anger showed in a slight narrowing of her eyes, though she hated to be upset at someone who had done so much for her. She was tired of people protecting her, shielding her. She had managed for so long on her own as a mere foal, they had been in awe of her strength then, but didn't they realize she'd never lost it? She could handle this.

"Stop hiding from me like that." She said simply, the tone of her voice colder than she'd ever used on the stallion before. "Don't choose for me what I can't handle and what I can, you said you'd always be there like you were before when you were open and honest." A sigh accompanied this as she let her head hang slightly, rainbow prisms of light shifting across her face from the sun and making her blink a few times.

"I would tell you everything you wanted, because I trust you. Don't you feel the same?" Maybe her mind was still young, naive, unused to being used on her own the way it had once been before she had anyone to help her. But she felt like he was the one being childish with his hiding, it wasn't like him. She moved to the side to be in his direct line of sight, trying to gather from his gaze what he sought to keep hidden.

"Besides, your sorrow can't be all there is to you. I know you have passion too, I've seen it." When you tried to win me over... She mused to herself, smiling softly though the look was unsure at best. How could they have changed so much but still remained the same? It felt like there were a million things lost in transition that she didn't understand, and she didn't know if he'd have the heart to explain it to her. He was leaving her soon, and she felt betrayed. She had counted on those promises made years and years before, more than she'd ever realized. In truth, she was probably just looking for a reason to tell him off for leaving her. Why did that keep happening to her? Everyone she loved just seemed to go away.

Re: Coming together [Avalir!]

PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:22 pm
by Silverdust
He let the chill of her words flow over him, like a breath of ice. She had every right to be angry, he supposed, but at the same time she hadn't known him long enough to judge the reasons behind his secets and silence. In part it might have been his fault - it would only follow that she be curious after their long ago exchange, but perhaps he had expected her to do as the others did and let him be.

Perhaps he had overestimated how much they really understood each other. It was not that he was striving to shield her; gods, he knew how damaging that could be. It was not that he doubted her strength at all, nor forgotten her trials or her pain. The same ache of loss echoed in his own veins, wove it's way through his skin, shaping him into everything he was, as he had appeared to her that day. He had thought she had seen that, enough to not to want to pry open those old wounds again. Something not quite like anger stirred in him, a bitter regret that after all this time, he wasn't really what she needed after all.

"Luna," he said, finally, his tone not as icy as hers but shot through with a weariness that almost made it ragged. "I am not protecting you from anything. I don't hide things that may hurt you. Think for a moment, perhaps, that there are parts of my life that I keep to myself for no other reason than that they are my own."

He met her eyes, her uncertain smiles, and his sigh was as defeated as her own. If she wanted honesty, then there would be no room for elegance, for carefully chosen words. All that remained was the truth, something that would perhaps shatter everything that had passed between them, and anything that might be. "It is not a matter of trust. I've trusted you with more of myself than I have many, but that does not mean I would tear the heart from my chest. There are wounds I don't wish to reopen, that I do not wish to see."

It was just selfishness in the end, he was well aware. Would it disappoint her that he was flawed, that really she had only seen a small facet of him on the riverbed, the best of him, around which she had built this myth? Would she be betrayed? He closed his eyes. "You've seen all of me, Luna. You know that I can't stay, that I am not as strong as you. I told you that when we met, that I was always running, and Sive did as well. You know...that passion is only a shadow, and I am sorry that I can't give you more."

Some part of her knew at least, some wise part of her that had chosen Frostbite and Tigs. The years that seperated them now were like a divide - things he might've told her as a child were senseless now, and the pain would come sharper and tear him apart. He couldn't afford to lose himself, especially not now, not like this.

((glomps teh tigs :D ))

Re: Coming together [Avalir!]

PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:52 pm
by Tigress
((glomps back!! Hehe <3))

Somehow it hadn't even crossed her mind, hadn't mattered to her that he might have secrets he wanted to keep to himself. It didn't seem fair, he had seen her at her most vulnerable moments, when she was alone and scared and desperate and stripped bare of her dignity for all to see. She had rebuilt herself before his eyes and tried to impress those around her, even though it fell apart so many times, especially when her father had shown up... But he had seen those moments, she had been forced to share everything just to try and find someone to understand. So why then, did he not trust that she would understand whatever this was that made him have to run from her?

"I don't want you to leave. These things that you keep to yourself, if they make you run, then let me face them for you." She didn't understand that he felt he wasn't strong enough, not as strong as she anyway. He had seemed so sure of himself, of the lessons life's cruelties had taught him. Did he forget them all while she was gone? She would remind him then, if he only gave her a chance. Maybe she was too used to getting what she wanted now, perhaps all her time being sheltered and cared for had made her spoiled. But this was important to her, she needed to know he was here to talk to.

"If you close your eyes and pretend something is there, it does not make it go away..." Her words were soft, her gaze shifting for a moment almost as if in embarassment. The look in her gaze was pleading when she turned to him again. She'd tried to make light of the situation, tried to just force her mind to accept that they would have a nice talk today and then he'd leave and she'd be fine. But he didn't have any idea that knowing he was here had helped her through so much, and now with the idea of him being gone... how would she find him if she needed him? It was selfish and needy, but he needed it too. He couldn't keep running from whatever this was.

"You could if you tried. How can you just accept this? How can you not want to fight it? I don't understand..." Tears formed quietly in her brilliant jewel-like eyes as she considered the knowledge that he might never willingly try to break free. If her pleas fell on deaf ears then perhaps all of these years she had been lying to herself. But she had seen something in him, even when he had been busy trying to distact her by cutting himself down, there was a spark inside him that she recognized, but could he even feel it at all?

Re: Coming together [Avalir!]

PostPosted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:11 pm
by Silverdust
It was cruel of him, he thought, as he saw the tears well up in her eyes. If it could be any other way he would wish it so. But it wasn't. It was simply the way things were, and she would have to understand. It wasn't fair for her, he knew it. It wasn't fair that she had laid herself open and he couldn't do the same. It wasn't fair that in the end, it seemed all he could do was hurt her.

"You can't face them for me Luna," he said, gently. He reached out, brushing his cheek gently against hers, a touch of comfort however brief. "I told you that there are things one has to face alone, in their own time, in their own way. Maybe one day I will be able to tell you these things, but not now."

He sighed as he drew back, wondering how so many things could've gone wrong in between the then and the now. He could never have guessed how important he would be to this mare, that she would still need him so much even after all the time had passed. In hindsight, he almost regretted it. To have another thread that tied him to this land, another heart that would shatter should he never return.

"I know that it is hard to understand, and I know...I know that you do not wish for me to leave," his voice was heavy in his throat, but he kept his eyes on hers. "But I cannot stay. I would kill myself if I stayed, and I cannot make that mistake again."

He gave her that fragment of himself, that secret shame, and hoped it might be enough for now. Enough to make her understand the frailty that still existed in him, to know that for even all his wisdom he was flawed enough for her to let him go. "It is not you that I am running from. It's not that I wouldn't stay if I could. But I cannot heal here."

His head lowered, as if bound. "I will come back. It's not going to be forever...and that is the best I can give you."

Re: Coming together [Avalir!]

PostPosted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 10:21 pm
by Tigress
When his cheek brushed hers, those tears fell with abandon down her face, merging with his soft coat and creating scar-like lines of darkness. She nods silently, shaking her head at herself and trying to stare at anything that wasn't him, while the happy sunlight made bright crystals out of her unhappy tears where they still hung, ready to fall again at any moment. "You told me, but I don't want to listen it seems." Her smile is meek but the look in her eyes is too honest and full of too much understanding.

She had known from the start that her words, in this case, didn't matter at all. Not that they didn't matter to him, but that his problems wouldn't cease to be just because she wanted them to, it didn't matter what she wanted. Well, one thing mattered. That one thing that he had nearly taken from himself, from her. Eyes grew wide with disbelief and a hint of anger, head shaking ever so slightly though she did it completely without thinking about it.

"You didn't, Avalir you couldn't have even thought..." Though her eyes were hard and hurt, her voice was gentle and quiet until it broke slightly at the end and her head fell forward, spilling more liquid jewels down her face and onto the dry earth. Suddenly the importance of this decision held so much more weight. She still yearned to know these things she could not know, didn't like that there were secrets between them. But she must have had some small things that even he wasn't aware of. Oh yes, that one. Well, that was more than fair then.

That was why it was so scary to be without him, even if she tried to pretend it didn't exist, it didn't change anything. When her eyes met his again she smiled. "It's good that you know that I don't want you to go. But I do, as well. I want you to go and stay away for a long time, long enough that you'll never think about whatever is on your mind until the day that you die, peacefully, happily." The look on her face then must have been so vulnerable, so filled with emotion. Not caring about any awkward bounds or the suddenness of it, she quickly closed the distance between them and pressed her face into the softness of his mane.

Just let me stay like this a while... "I know Avalir, I know. Maybe have always known. But that doesn't mean I wanted to accept it. Maybe, if I could have been stronger for you... Oh nevermind." It was pointless to blame herself for the torment he endured and the thoughts that punished him. These things had long passed without her, and while it pained her to know, it wouldn't do her any better to think about what could have been, should have been, might have been. There was only what was, and what might be. She wanted to make up for it with those.

Pressing her upper frame more solidly against the larger stallion, she sighed with her eyes closed firmly. "Is it the only thing you can give me?" It would be a bold question to ask, if he knew any of the answers she held in her heart. Like her first kiss, or his devotion. Why did it seem negative emotions had so much power to bring out the most personal innermost feelings? She felt like a mime in a box with a million things she couldn't say. She would just smile, wish him luck, and count every second while she tried to stay strong with only the knowledge that these many seconds had already past, so at least there was that much time less left.

Re: Coming together [Avalir!]

PostPosted: Sun Mar 21, 2010 11:05 am
by Silverdust

'...she cries rainbows, even.'

He let her move about him, let the tears fall and let her touch him and look at him and brand him with those shimmering eyes. It was the least he could do, the least, indeed, he owed her. He could feel her pain starting to manifest itself in him, a cold, pulsing ache that spread across his chest. It used to make it difficult to breathe, but he had gotten used to it over the years. The last thing she needed was for him to fall apart, now when it seemed she was looking to find her strength in him. It was ironic, in a sense, that his fragile vessel be the last vestige for the storm of her emotion.

The brief flash of her anger cut across his thoughts like a whip, and for a moment his vision went black. He closed his eyes, waited for it to pass - he hadn't expected such a strong reaction. He had never expected that he would mean that much to her, that this secret would bear such violent consequence.

"I was young, your age at the time of our meeting, perhaps a little older. I was careless around a river, and when I fell in I didn't have much interest in saving myself. If Sive had not been there, I would have drowned."

He didn't try to explain away his mistake, the utter stupidity of it all. He didn't give her the reason, because in a sense, she knew. The loneliness, the loss, the weight of being alone and haunted upon shoulders too young to bear it. That was half of it, in any sense, the half she needed, the half she could understand. He opened his eyes to her smile, brilliant in the light, and the gnawing pain lessened at her acceptance, her understanding. But though her words were soothing, he could feel the shadow of a fear in them, a secret winding it's cold fingers down his spine. A stain of her own?

His eyes furrowed slightly, but he could not ask her. Indeed, to even admit he sensed it seemed like another intrusion into her private vulnerability. In a sense, he hated being there when she was stretched out for the world to see, like a butterfly pinned beneath glass and light. She had a right to her own secrets and sorrows, but here she was, on display, as she had been on that riverbank so long ago. Except here, he was her only audience, one with no right to know her secrets, to protect them, to protect matter how much he wanted to.

And yet here she was, pressed closed against him, letting everything pour from her heart to spill at his feet. A tremor ran through him, the empathy making it as much a physical pain as an emotional torment, but he couldn't stagger now. Indeed, to know the pain she brought him would only tear her apart more. Gently, he laid his chin upon her head, feeling her words more than hearing them.

"It will never be that simple, Luna," he said, vaguely, trying to staunch the raw flow of her emotion coursing like fire through his veins. "As long as I am with others, as long as I stay connected with this land, with my will be like this. Peace, is not an option I have. Even if I were to stay away forever..."

He shook his head slightly. That wasn't much of an option either - he knew how painful it was to keep the bonds, but to sever them entirely might devastate whatever remnants of his own soul he had left. As Sive had said, a curse as well as a gift. He wondered then, if it would be like this forever, being pulled back and forth between lands, between souls, being fractured until nothing was left. Knowing others in their innermost soul, but never being able to give them anything of himself...never being able to really -

'Is it the only thing you can give me?'

He knew what she would like him to say, but he knew also that his promises always ended up being lies in the end. He had wanted to be truthful with her, and when he and Sive had offered themselves to her on the riverbank they had been as guardians. He had wanted to raise her, to make sure she didn't make the same mistakes he had. But now like a sense he had feared an outcome like this, where she would come to need him again, but for something so much more than a guardian or a friend. She was the one person he had wanted to spare from that hurt more than anything, yet...

"It is the only thing I can give anyone, Luna," he sighed, softly, breathing the words into her hair. "I cannot promise more. I wish...for your sake I wish it were different..."

He could feel the pain pulse with every word, and for once he let himself feel it without the walls. Punishment, because all he could seem to do was pull away from her, almost cold, almost cruel. He should at least let himself share her pain.