Coming together [Avalir!]

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Post Sun Mar 21, 2010 11:50 am

Re: Coming together [Avalir!]

Breathing, hers, echoing so loudly in her ears that any prolonged exposure might drive her insane. Everything seemed to slow, while she tried to pull back the tears and calm the racing pulse in her chest. But every new word, every cold stillness only made it seem harder to control, the apocalypse felt upon her and she didn't think there was any time left to hide. The seconds were ticking away, and she stood out in the open, embracing her own sort of doomsday. Because she knew the things she wanted in life, always had been, and maybe always would be, beyond her.

She had a family now, but in gaining that, had given up a piece of her future. She strongly believed, if she could have been with him in physical form more than thought or spirit... maybe, maybe he would have felt as intertwined with her as she did him. How did you explain to someone that they were a part of you, something they had no control over? Maybe it hadn't been his intent, but it had still happened. She needed him, and she didn't. She'd be fine on her own, maybe even recover from the heartache if he never returned, but it would be empty and cold for a long time. The point of life wasn't to simply exist, but to truly live.

Could she live without him?

He'd always been there, always been somewhere close. She could see him, visit him infrequently, know that if something went horribly wrong, he was there. But then... what had she ever given him? Her skin turned icy at the thought, it was no wonder he didn't feel the same... she had taken, taken, taken, and couldn't remember giving him anything. And now she stood here asking for more. She started to pull away, feeling selfish, stupid, childish again.

"I understand." She said simply, perhaps meaning his somewhat of explanation about the river, or the fact that things would never be simple. Not for him, not for her. Did he really understand what she was feeling? It was too much to explain, but even just pulling back from that small embrace had made her feel sick to her stomach. She wouldn't appear weak in front of him though. She forced a smile, hoping it wasn't obvious, the effort pulling on every muscle until she felt weak. She waited, waited for those words that would summon her apocalypse.

And there they were.

She lowered her head, trying to make the motion seem natural and inconspicuous, so he couldn't see the way her eyes closed tight with pain, mouth opening to expose breath as if she couldn't get enough air any other way. A million memories went through her head, lying on a cotton blanket and looking out at the stars, her form much smaller than now.

Tomorrow I go see Avalir and Sive! I'm really excited, I didn't think I'd like this life as much but I feel happier lately. I wish we could all live together though, wouldn't that be nice? I bet Avalir misses me! I can't sleep, I wonder if they're sleeping? Am I the only one awake? I bet Avalir's awake. I wonder if he can hear me, thinking like this? Hm... Maybe I should sleep.

And then, months later, sitting in a field under a large willow tree. A frame taller and more feminine than before.

It's been a while... but he still looks the same. I can't let him see me like this, I'm too different. What if he doesn't like it? Do I look strange now? (Small mental laughter) I worry too much. He's always cared for me, right from the start. But I feel unsure, I think I'm just lonely. Frostbite is starting her own family now, I'm excited for her. But... I think I really miss him. Avalir... do you know I watch over you?

It hadn't been her place to interfere with his life so much, and so secretly, but she had done it anyway. And now she was left to deal with the repercussions of some silent admiration. Things he would never know, millions of memories, and she suddenly felt like it was hard to stand.

"For... my sake." She breathed, smiling somewhat sardonically. The urge to laugh, almost bitterly, was there. But she bit it back, it wasn't very ladylike. And she'd not fall apart in front of him. Swaying only slightly, she closed her eyes, opened them, breathed in and out again, and raised her face slowly, one that she hoped didn't betray the pain of having a heart shattered. She could feel the splinters in her skin, or maybe that was all in her head.

"I appreciate it Avalir. You always have cared for me. I suppose... it would be best if I didn't see you again before you leave, much as I might want to." Smile again was forced, wavering at the edges only slightly. She really wanted to see him off brightly, because that's all she could give him. A small token that she'd be okay, to ease the guilt of seeing her in pain because of her feelings for him. Because in the end she really didn't care if she was okay or not, so long as he would be, she'd endure this and much more.

That was what love was, wasn't it?
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Post Sun Mar 21, 2010 4:46 pm

Re: Coming together [Avalir!]

Perhaps he couldn't understand how she felt. Perhaps he never really understood how any of the people close to him felt, because he could feel it, all of it, every edge of the spectrum shuddering through him like her pain was doing now. Even as she drew back it persisted, tearing through him, all the sorrow and the loss, the bitterness and confusion, the longing. The depth of it was astounding, maddening even. He found it was getting harder to breathe, to think with any clarity.

"Luna, I -"

Her secrets and her memories, the impression of them wound tight around his throat, choking his words. He closed his eyes, tried to tame the rush of her heartbreak and his own tangle of emotion. He felt her heart shatter as much as she did, felt the knives in his chest with every breath as the darkness turned red at the edges. Whatever was 'just in her head' was real to him, real and getting harder to control with every moment she lingered at his side. But it wasn't her fault, really - this agony was all of his own creation. He was the root of this onslaught, and ironically it was almost fitting he should suffer as much as she. He might steal her bitter smile, if he weren't so concentrated on not collapsing under the weight of it all.

He drew back farther, shakily, a mocking parody of his usual graceful motions. When he opened his eyes to look at her he could only make out the vagueness, the rainbow light that shot like lightning through his mind. But underneath all the the pain he could feel the other, the slow and almost soothing burn, the pulse that was more dangerous to him really, than all the others combined.

Her love.

He drew a shaking breath, and when he spoke his voice was halting as he tried to separate his own thoughts from the multitude rushing through him. "I...I never wished you to see me like this. I felt you grew, faintly...I hoped that it would fade one day..."

The articulation was getting difficult. It was always hard when he tried to speak of emotion; even if they were tangible to him, the reasons were as fathomless as they were to anyone else. Like why and how she came to possess these emotions, with all their truth and depth and fury, for a stallion she had bare met, bare known. How she could slowly tear apart his world, even though he had tired his hardest to stay at the distance he had with everyone before. It had never been like this with Eve, never like this with anyone before. Never had their pain been as real, as crippling to him as now.

He looked to her, past her masks and smiles. She was strong to put up the fronts, so strong considering the emotions he could feel surging behind them. "I have cared for you, I do. It's not a trite comfort when I say it was for your sake. It is. It always has been. I just...I wish I could have spared you this..."

(blegh, I'm so out of practice it's depressing... >_< )

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