A solitary tear, how shameful. [For Vision]


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Post Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:53 am

Re: A solitary tear, how shameful. [For Vision]

She rested against him, eyes closed, letting every moment pass and easing her muscles a little more. It was strange, where most would have been more upset as more time passed, she felt more relieved. In a way, she knew she wouldn't be able to take it, if he said what her heart had hoped for. She'd lived so long chasing after mysteries, things that never could, and never would be. She'd become so strong in that time, but so weak in the same amount. Would this happiness she sought be her undoing, or would it actually help piece her back together, make her forget about the past? She didn't know, was too afraid to know, so the silence was good. The silence meant things were still miserably uncomplicated. No, that was a lie, things had been complicated since the day she'd met him at the cottage, and initially incurred his wrath.

She began to laugh in spite of the situation and couldn't stop. Until... Those words. Had she heard them? Had her laughter created some illusion in her mind? Had he even spoken at all? But there was a change to his posture that told her what words didn't need to. What about Wave? What about everything that had been, only days before? What was she ruining, and did he understand what he was getting himself into? Wave was uncomplicated, his life with her would probably be much easier on the soul, but she was very complicated, and she wondered if this would even work for them. They understood each other as if they shared but one mind, one soul, but they both needed so much healing. Could they be strong enough for each other?

Her mind was pulsing as if it would explode, and an aching began in the front of her skull. She was over-thinking this, but a million thoughts had made their way inside and would not leave. Her eyes sought his bravely at last, though he couldn't truly see she knew he'd feel her gaze.

"Vision... but... what about... everything?" She couldn't even find a question to ask him, couldn't pick one out of the air though millions were floating around. He had to have been thinking the same things, she could almost hear his mind working as feverishly as her own. This should have been a moment for rejoicing, but there was too much indecision, too much fear. She'd always been like this, she couldn't let her emotions run things over her mind, not for a moment. Her heart screamed at her to love and forget the rest, but her head would keep her up at night, asking her the questions that she knew she didn't have answers for. 'I don't want to hurt you...' The thought was ever-present, if she left him to tear apart his old life to make room for her, she would hurt him.

But she knew if she cast him away now, without any explanation as she would have to, that she would devastate him. So she would hurt him either way, but which was the lesser of two evils? Either way, two people would hurt. She needed to trust him, to know his own path to happiness. If he chose this, chose her, who was she to complain? This was all she ever thought about since that day, as guilty as she felt for having someone else's love interest in her head, it was true.

"If you are to be with me, whatever you have to do, I'll stand by you." She would be at his side when he spoke the news, if he wished it. Though she knew that would be a private moment and the best she could do would be to be waiting to hold and console him when the day was through. He needed her strength now, and with him on her side, she knew she could find it within herself to let him lean on her. Taking a deep breath, she let it out against Vision's neck and relaxed more into him. Suddenly she felt very fatigued.
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Post Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:58 pm

Re: A solitary tear, how shameful. [For Vision]

At her response, he couldn't help but laugh aloud. Oh, the irony of it all! Here were two individuals, feverishly thinking the same thoughts. There was no denying that he and Frostbite were of one mind in this, and the result was one whirling dervish of confusion, stubbornness, and similar misgivings.

"What about everything..." he repeated aloud, chuckling slightly. Part of him mused over the thought that his mind might have finally snapped as a result of all of this. He tried to focus, tried to pinpoint the problems, but his mind felt as if it were grasping at air. With a resigned sigh, he shook his head, as if in an attempt to clear his thoughts.

"Perhaps...maybe..." he began, in between pauses, "I should communicate exactly what is going through my head for once. Just articulate whatever happens to be in there. Not because I believe that you have no idea what I'm thinking-quite the contrary. But maybe, just maybe, it will help to put my mind at ease and offer some clarity." He chuckled again. He felt as if he were talking to himself. She must think him utterly insane, but this whole situation had him in such a mess that he really wasn't sure what he was doing anymore. It was all instinctual- it were as if his thoughts were overflowing to the point where he had to speak them aloud or risk losing his mind entirely.

"Wave... I can't speak for her, because I'd be making assumptions... but the way I feel for her is different than the way I feel for you. Not more or less, just different. But, I realized something important- because of the way I feel for her, and because of what I view her as, it's not meant to be. I'll be hurting her, but in the grand scheme of things, I'll be doing her more good than anything. And I have to go with my gut instinct. She's a pure individual- our relationship is, in my opinion, far less complicated than the one between yourself and I. Mind you, I also don't know her as well, and nothing has been declared. The feelings I have for her are pure, but in the end, I'll weigh her down. I can't bear to watch her happiness be sapped away as a result. I may be cruel to myself, but I refuse to be cruel to others," he said, with a pause and a heaving sigh. "She'd argue with me, most like. Try to play the martyr and say that she'd stand by me. But I won't allow it. Not out of pride, but as a result of trying to do good by her." Despite the fact that he liked being near her- her touch was like a salve to his wounds- he stood and huffed in irritation, stamping a hoof in annoyance.

"But us... I feel like I don't even need to explain myself to you. You already know. You know every bit of me, as well as I know myself. If I were to follow the same logic with you as I used with Wave, it would prove to be catastrophic. In her case, I would hurt her, yes, but she and I have a different bond. I truly believe that she would be better off without me, and that her happiness is assured in that manner, and that she'd find someone better suited than myself. With you... if I left you, I'd not only be splitting my own soul in two, but I'd be ruining you. It's been torturous up to this point already for the both of us. However, if I stay... if I stay with you... all that is me, all that is dark, and unbearable, and self consuming... will be yours to bear as well as mine. And in effect, I'll be hurting you as well. And I cannot bear it. Either way, I'm breaking you."

With a great heave of exertion, he slumped into a heap on the cold marble floor, a single tear spilling from one sightless eye. "I don't know what to do...because in between, as we are now, won't do either. Either way, it seems there's a sacrifice to be made, and I'm unwilling to let you make it. Nor will I let you attempt to be a prime candidate for martyrdom. I can try to live without you, if it would make you happy." He collected himself and fixed his posture so that he was staring in her general direction. "...I'm scared."
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Post Fri Jul 18, 2008 4:01 pm

Re: A solitary tear, how shameful. [For Vision]

She remained silent for a long time after he'd stopped speaking, considering everything that had been revealed, most of which had never been a mystery. She smiled as she leaned into him, thinking that for once maybe she could be strong enough for someone else, as there was this strange calm inside her that just made it clear to her what she had to do. Normally that was the farthest thing from what she experienced in situations like this, but, times changed. And apparently so did she. Hopefully for the better.

"I thought you might be thinking that." She said simply, her voice quiet next to him. Their hearts seemed to take up all the room to make sound in the small space, beating so wildly it was like a constant rhythm in her head. Closing her eyes, she pressed her face to his and exhaled slowly. "Don't be afraid, things have a strange way of working themselves out." Paying specific note to think back about what he'd said about Wave, she nodded her head to herself. He had outright admitted that while either choice had its ups and downs, there was one that would truly not be for him.

That's all she'd wanted to hear, that being with her would make him happy, and that it wouldn't cause him to loose anything he truly felt he could never get back. This wasn't stealing from the sounds of things, so much as it was saving. He would do this and she would be there for him, whereas otherwise he would still probably do the same, but she would not have been there to support him in his time of need.

"I want to be with you Vision, I see it no other way. You can't hurt me, not by sharing your secrets, as cold and painful as they may be. You know that I've been there, we can help each other, heal each other." She looked into his eyes from only inches away, the orbs shifting in her general direction every time she made a sound with her movement or words. She felt bad for admiring him in such a state, but his eyes were rather enchanting.
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Post Sat Jul 19, 2008 6:13 pm

Re: A solitary tear, how shameful. [For Vision]

He smiled softly at her response, happy that she had not been entirely revolted by his display of cowardice. Not that he had ever thought she would- she wasn't like that. None the less, a tiny part of him always feared rejection, not just from anyone, but from her in particular. He exhaled sharply, and allowed himself to relax. He could feel his muscles go slack in response- he hadn't realized how tense he was up until now, although she usually did have that effect on him. Until today, there had been so many things left unspoken that he'd always been as worried as a foal around her. Not any more.

At this point he didn't even know if speech was appropriate. It was as if they were sharing in a moment where their thoughts could be demonstrated merely by actions- words were no longer necessary. It was a special bond, one he had never felt with anyone, not even Talia. It was their moment, and he relished in the delight that he felt knowing that he had said everything that could possibly be said and she still wanted to be his. His heart raced as if he had just been galloping for miles, and he moved closer to her so that they were cheek to cheek again. All he wanted to do was to bask in her affections- finally he felt as if he could do so virtually guilt free. He pulled back slightly, and hesitantly licked her on the nose- a mistake, as he had misjudged the distance between them. He laughed, a nervous short bark of a chuckle that instantly broke the silence. He knew she'd find it endearing, but he couldn't help but be slightly embarrassed. He mustered a charming grin and nuzzled her gently.

"That's all I want," he said, mustering as much confidence as he could into his voice, "to be with you. We'll manage together somehow. If you know we'll be alright, then we will be." He frowned slightly, trying not to let any pessimistic thoughts take over. "It's hard to believe sometimes that someone would voluntarily accept being with me. I know your thoughts are similar to mine in this matter, which is why we've both been so ridiculous, thinking that neither would want to accept the other... I suppose I just have to believe in you, and you in me. I will not let my fear rule me any more." He nodded resolutely and shot her a dazzling smile.
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Post Sun Oct 05, 2008 11:57 am

Re: A solitary tear, how shameful. [For Vision]

She listened to his words and watched him visibly relax. He was so beautiful to her, so precious. This had been something she'd wanted for the longest time and when he said that all he'd ever truly wanted was her, she felt like she was walking in a dream. This was someone else's life, it had to be, never had she anticipated something going so well for her. It was just something she'd come to accept, that something would always go wrong and true happiness just wasn't in the cards for her. She had been happy because those she'd loved had been happy, but now...

"I've been so alone... and so afraid. I'm not sure I'll know what it's like to be happy. Maybe you can show me." She knew he'd understand, it truly was just a different sort of companionship, one that Tigs couldn't provide her with. She knew it had been causing stress to her bonded for some time now, but she couldn't help that even surrounded by friends and family, she'd always felt alone. They had loved ones, children, and all she had was a broken dream and a haunting past, and occasionally a fleeting stallion in the fields to provide her with guidance. Everything had been out of her reach for so long now.

"I... Vision... have you ever thought about having foals? I mean, I just noticed recently, everyone I know has a mate, and they all talk about it, and I see that it seems so nice. I was able to watch Chaos grow up and I could see how Ram and Venom loved the experience..." She was rambling a bit, babbling in an attempt to make light of the situation which had taken yet another serious turn. It was greedy of her to think she could have everything now, but with Vision, she'd always wanted to express her love for him on an intimate level, and now it was actually okay. Soon maybe he would want to, maybe he had been thinking about it too.

She tried to swallow past her nervousness and let out a small dainty chuckle. "Maybe I am lucky and we will be thinking alike yet again." She teased in reference to his earlier comment, laying her cheek warmly against his and sighing outward as she tried to control her anticipation.
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