Torn Hearts and Sewing Lessons {PathXPixie}

It hurt, but it was an empty pain. For the most part she felt defeated. There was no fight, no running, no dancing or sincere laughter left. There was no more struggle to daily life, no effort to do things right. She merely went through the motions. It used to be that she would care. It was what she should do, and thus there was the weight of living.

While her son was yet young that had remained, the sensation of caring enough to give weight to things. But he was grown; all that was left was to wait for his horns to come in fully, and he would be a true and proper stallion.

She was strong. Path knew this. But she was not stronger than this.

Did he love her? Did she honestly love him, as she had always believed? Could she love someone who didn't need her; would that ever be a possibility for her? She couldn't handle coming in second. If she was placed on the side for even one thing then it was that much closer to being left behind entirely; if it's possible for him to place something above her then it's possible for him to leave again. And this time, he might not come back.

It sounded selfish. It sounded horrible, if you laid it out like that. But she was scared. She'd been left behind, abandoned after a hasty courtship with a new colt to raise. She had gotten through it, yet it scarred her deeply. Could she handle being left behind that way? Would he choose another in their circle; perhaps the lonely Sign, even? What would she do, left alone that way...

He loves you, the voice in her head whispered, the one that was her most trusted guide; her bonded. He's good to you, and he's kind and understanding. He makes mistakes.

He felt attacked and was blind to the comfort she had so desperately needed. He had refused any sign of regret, any effort to see beyond the surface. It had been there in her eyes, perfectly clear: You went away. How dare you... I miss you. Could he love her then, if he didn't know? If he didn't care to know how his life choice frightened her? The very reason she loved him so much also terrified her. He was not her own, not fully, for he belonged to his talent more than any other.

She was second.

She could be left behind.

Abandoned.

It seemed the only thing to do was to accept that this made him happy; happier than she ever could. She did not matter so much as this talent, nor even could she make him light up as his pretty toys did.

She was strong, but she had been given too much time to think. She wanted him happy. Perhaps the pain had killed the love and perhaps it had not; it was impossible to tell. There was nothing to feel any more, besides broken.

She would shatter her own soul if it stilled the objections and so brought him pleasure.

Now was the time to go to him again. She was finally what he wanted; she would wait quietly until it was her turn to be played with, as a good toy should.

Heaving herself to her feet, her limbs oddly heavy now that they were empty of all will, she crossed her fields and passed through the beautiful lands of her Circle Home, where all she shared that unique bond with had full claim. She walked to the edge, not noticing how swiftly the ground passed underhoof, only that she should keep a pace that would make her muscles actively work. A good mate did not tarry; she was there when wanted and silent when placed beneath another.

He wasn't there, she would have felt him, but she had to pass through the lands regardless. It was a manner of saying goodbye to who she had been.

Then she closed her eyes, shifted the cosmic matter around her and materialized within the Hidden Vale of Sionayra, her image seeming as if it were sunlight turning solid.

And she waited, with her heart too torn to feel any sense of time drifting about her still form.

And in her mind, her bonded whispered: Oh, my sweet dearling...

Pixie woke refreshed, feeling more like himself than he had in longer than he cared to remember. He had no idea how long he had slept but he felt urgent, uncontrolably desperate to see his mate. It was even worse than the longing that had consumed him while in the hills of Sionayra. This was more of a complete panic. Unsure of it was that he had more strength and therefore was thinking more clearly or now that some of the urgency of righting things with Darroch had gone away he could panic more fully on setting thigs right with his beloved Path. The only thing he knew with 100% certainty was that he HAD to find her.

After searching for a a while it was clear that she was no longer in her home lands. As he was now able to focus on something besides staying concious he reached out to the uniqe pull he had always felt towards him and it was clear that she had gone far away.

Taking just enough time to leave a message for Darroch that he was going to search for Path and he would be back as soon as he could to finish catching things up and another simple note to his bonded just stating he was well and has some things to take care of and would get more word when he could. He set off to search for his very soul, that resided with her.

Combing the fields for a time, as he had wondered if she sought out company it soon became clear to him that she was elsewhere. He sat in frustration at the edge of a stream to catch his breath, eat some sweet grass and get a drink. Where was she? All at once it occured to him, the place he should have gone for from the begining. The Vale.

Hurrying he ate a bit more to fortify himself for the travel he sped off towards the place where he had lost his heart to her and given his soul to her to make her happy. The thought of how much he had hurt her tore at his very being and made him want to cry out. Now that they would be alone though he could show her the true depth of his regret. Now he wasnt afraid of having others see him crumble. Now he could just be himself and not worry about having to appear the strong father symbol he was trying to create or have others intervene if he seemed to pathetic.

Finally reaching the Vale he began trying to feel for her. Feeling a very faint, almost imperceptible tug he sped off in that direction, hoping it was her and that if he still could feel a faint tug that she was not entirely lost to him but that it would just take some rebuilding. A cause he would gladly spend the rest of eternity giving his all to. He nearly fainted when he saw the yellow and blue in the distance.

A ghost of her smile, a mere flicker of her lips was brought forth in offering of a greeting as he finally came to her. Sparkle had come and gone many times to check on him while he rested, and even Sign had stopped by to administer some of her mothering charms. He had been well cared for by his circle mates while within their shared home, and it showed. Pixie looked to be a lot more solid on his legs; although for a moment it seemed he showed a sign of infirmity.

After the smile she let her eyes flicker back down to the ground, though she kept her head up and her ears focused on his movements. This was so vastly out of character for her that she found herself feeling as if jagged stones were ripping at her from the inside out; yet the small rebellion within was not enough to register as standing a chance against the instinct to play the good-little-mare.

You left me, she thought, reminding herself why it was important to allow the shattered numbness to consume her, you left me and have no wish to have spared me such pain.

He probably wished she was not so needy as to have known that pain in the first place. How dare she love him, how dare she hinder him in such a way? There were things that came before her; he would never return her devotion, no matter how sweet his words. She was second; expendable.

She had to take the effort out of it, especially if he didn't honestly care. It was the only way he would keep her; or so she told herself. If she proved to be any trouble then surely he would discard her for someone easier. Someone who didn't get in the way of what made him truly happy.

A proper little toy.

She could be that. For him, she could swallow the pain and hide the love and be whatever he wanted, so long as it pleased him. The pain obviously didn't. So she had to smile when he came, she had to keep her head up. She had to pretend; it was the most she could do. Lying was simply impossible; the words would not come.

You look better. Have you fully rested, or do you have need of something?

She couldn't soften her voice so it would be less obtrusive, but she did at least speak quieter than normal. Her baritone thrummed as softly as a plucked string, sounding nearly melodic; far from the usual strength given to her words.

But then, Path did not feel strong at the moment.

Merely empty.

A smile, that was all the enouragement he needed. That and the fact that she had openly asked him a question and he knew once again that all was not lost. Looking into her eyes as he closed the space between them gave him the courage to not only say what he needed to her bt to pour out his heart and make a complete and utter fool of himself.

Closing the last few paces between them he embraced her tightly then stepped back so that she may choose to share his affection or take her time with it, and with that began to pour out his very being to her.

"Path, my love. I was so very stupid" he began, bowing on one knee to show her that he was fully intent on her will and that he wasn't trying to cow her down and force her to accept what he was saying, and give her the full respect she deserves. "I should have never left you so close to the time of delivery but stupid STUPID me thought 'I can do it, I can be fast and get those darn flowers and be back before its time' but I should have known I wouldnt be that lucky, I mean I wasnt even 100% sure where the stupid things were."

He knew he was rambling and trembling, and dangerously close to crying... Not to mention how bad his voice was cracking and changing pitch, but none of that mattered. NOTHING mattered but being completely honest so she could make a decision.

"I am so sorry I was stupid and left you." Finally letting go of the last of his hold the tears began to fall "I promise that if you will give me another chance to make things right I will stay by your side and prove to you every day how much I love you and want you with me. I promise to never leave your side unless you ask me to and if something comes up by god I want you fighting at my side." Having looked up during his declaration he tried to read an emotion but settled for just watching her "I know I've hurt you and that you need time and please know I'm prepared to give it."

With that he waited for the statement he knew would determine the rest of his life.

The first sensation was shock; then came terror. He was talking to her, pleading almost; and then literally. And all while having lowered himself on one of his front knees. But no, he couldn't be submitting to her; this had to be a trick. If she disobeyed the role he placed her in, that would be combating his will; yet if she stepped up as the one to actually decide rather or not he got the chance to repair the damage, that would undermine her being a good and proper mate. Or at least what she had fixed in her mind as a good and proper mate; silent, and without personality or trouble.

Following the terror, and quite swiftly, came the words. She had gone too long holding them in; days upon days worth of emotions began to spew out of her, completely unabated.

You hurt me, she murmured, her own voice trembling with barely suppressed pain, Thy silver promises won my heart whereupon ye disappeared, then ye plant me with thy seed and disappear, and when thou doth return and I search - I push for some fair signal of remorse to know that thy hath returned in good faith and shall rightly admit to the wrongs thy hath wrought upon mine heart, there is only resistance and even anger. Upon my defeat doth a comforting word come, and only thence! Thereupon I am left again, for thy recovery, and thereupon doth ample time for reflection come.

Thou doth request a chance to grant time and proof of thy love, which thy own self hath profusely proclaimed and yet rarely shown. Though the actions thou presenteth are endearing, thy consideration for my heart-health hath proved minuscule. Upon the fetching of a blossom ye blame thy actions, and even proclaim that there was naught else to be found in choices of actions. And true though it may be, where hath been thy remorse for this pain it hath brought me previously? Why doth thou not care before this moment?

Ye love me, or so is thy proclamation. Then tell me, oh light of my heart, how it is that such decisions are made to turn my own life upon its very head, without so much as the faith of there being a solid ground beneath for which I may stabilize upon? Thou doth hold my heart and soul upon thy very whim, and yet ye grant me naught for comfort whereupon the time for such a change doth come. Ye are to be expected to leave, aye, but am I to so willingly accept this abandonment? Where is the safety of the key aspect of my very life granting me naught but farewell before leaving me to adjust alone, without so much as a hope for how to proceed? It is not so easy to change all that I am, for you hold that importance upon me; whereupon a change is made in regards to thy own self, so it doth reflect upon my entire life. Mayhaps it is wrong to hold such a love for thyself, and mayhap it is a hindrance to be so needed, yet if this is so then I am wrong and shall accept due punishment for I do care too much to be so easily tossed to the winds. And if not easily, then perhaps some sign be granted before such time hath passed.

I seek not your unhappiness, my dearest love, but only thy affections. Is it so easy to abandon me? Doth it cause you no upset; am I so easily discarded to my own devices, left to adjust to a world without thy sweet kiss? If it is so then discard me, and do not return! I want only that I am missed in turn, and that the adjustment of those left behind be considered. Is this so much? Can thy claim it is so difficult to grant me stability even while I grant thee unbound freedoms and so sacrifice a part of this very dependency I require?

Wouldst thee so easily leave me behind, uncaring of my needs for thee here at home? Be it that easy to cast me aside without further thought? How hath I so wronged thee as to garner such misery, to have this security torn asunder? Nary a solid home any longer, nor any dependency upon thyself, for upon any moment all may be again tossed about. There is no future in that, no safety to be found. Or is that to become thy future, to have it be normal for such upset? Is this instability all there is to look forward to? Can thou grand me nothing more? Stability, the knowledge that thy love hath thou wishing for my company and yon home, is it too much to expect? If so, perhaps then ye should be cast upon the winds to be forever untethered. If ye lack a desire to remain, then may it be so, for thy own happiness and for the final death to my heart! I shall not be robbed a home, nor a sense of security. Not for thy wandering whims, nor natural talents, nor any other. Take from me my soul and shatter it if it must be, if it brings thee joy, yet do not ask that I live in upset devoid of stability. Do not ask that I bleed eternal for thy joys; not if even a single word of thy love holds true. There is only so much I can give. If I ask too much in turn, leave now and may ye never again cause my tears to fall.

She paused, just long enough to take a hiccuping breath as another tear fell down her nose, her body trembling with her voice, and after that breath said what was hardest. She had prepared herself for pain; she was not prepared to hope.

Yet if thy speaketh the truth, if it is thy wish to remain, then do not begin such a vow upon a light heart. Thou hath abandoned me and now holds the expectation, or at the least a hope of returning. Do not make this a decision to regret. Do not hurt me in such a way again.

The very idea had her twitching, her body heaving in a gagging cough. It was quite lucky that it was physically impossible for her to throw up, else she would have been dangerously close. To grant him that trust again only to have it betrayed by another abandonment; the very concept made her sick with distress.

Path did not have a need of others; yet when she entrusted herself to someone, it was with a fullness that rivaled the unwavering light of a summer sun.

Return to me then, my Pixie love, resume thy place within thy Circle, thy family and all thy homes, both of thy own and your share in mine and the Circle's lands. Bring forth this adjustment, and with it the hope of a true future, for it is beyond me to deny my love. Upon thy tongue lays a claim of thy desire to return, and so I shall accept it and in turn you, granting the forgiveness of pains brought. Yet ye dare not harm me again, sweet lover. Ye dare not for it would shatter my very soul.

Come to me, my dearest, and hold me, for still it seems as if thy figure is but an illusion of my mind. Yet tread tenderly, for the bruises still remain upon the scars wielded by thy choices. Drive me no further away, I implore you, for I have not the strength to return on my own.

With that, her legs gave out and she crumbled to the ground, her head hanging so low as to nearly allow her nose to touch the soft leaves beneath her. She was, in earnest, defeated. She could not deny him, though he had hurt her so, and she could not complete the breaking of her heart without his aid. She could not stop loving him through feeling nothing and so negate the pain; and she could not turn away the source of the pain.

Path was forced to continue living, and so suffering, through her love.

And, in time, healing through the very same that had nearly broken her.

Pixie continued to cry with her as she poured out her soul. There were so many thoughts tumbling through his head but he knew that none of them really mattered in that way. He moved swiftly to her side and lay down beside her resting his cheek against hers.

"Love" he began sofly, barely more than a whisper "The ONLY reason I seemed so defiant when we met earlier was because I was so weak to begin with and just begining to mend things with Darroch and didnt want him to see me break down like that. And that was with renewed strength. Leaving you to rest, I thought you needed time to think things through and I honestly did not expect to sleep as long as I did. As for the rest, I feel no words can do justice, I will spend the rest of my life showing you."

Closing his eyes he savored the feel of her against him and even though there was much more progress to go, he finally felt at peace.